Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.