I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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