i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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