ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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