I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
