I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
