For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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