awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
