We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
