My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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