i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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