can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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