apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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