I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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