so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
