dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
