dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Sorry about my life...
The power of my boobs compel you
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
