I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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