She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
