we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
