At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize