Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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