I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
