I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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