I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
