Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
