do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
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He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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