had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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