Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
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I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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