What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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