i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
