every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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