It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
