Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
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