Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
