so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
