he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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