if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
