She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
