i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
