Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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