when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
