She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
