I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
