dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
