Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
