Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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