did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
