glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Welp...herpes.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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