My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
