My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
