Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
