I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
