My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
