the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
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Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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