so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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