I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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