Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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