This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
