I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
