She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
